


It will get better

by Hyukle, nonafaya



Category: VIXX
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Depression, First Time, M/M, Mpreg, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, more tags as the story progresses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-22
Updated: 2019-02-01
Packaged: 2019-10-14 16:24:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17511953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hyukle/pseuds/Hyukle, https://archiveofourown.org/users/nonafaya/pseuds/nonafaya
Summary: Taekwoon smiled  “What are you thinking about” he whisper in his ear so no one would  hear what they were saying.Hakyeon felt himself panicking; ‘did he notice that I was thinking about sad things?’ Hakyeon though, he tried to shake that thought off. he shrugged and asked him. “Nothing, why?”“have you ever thought about me, maybe not being a necessary part in this band” he felt tears rolling down his cheeks. ‘Why am I crying?’ he scolded himself'I wish you could love me the same way I love you'"Why can't you understand that I am in love with you?"____________________________________Or where Hakyeon is falling apart and Taekwoon will come and change Hakyeon's life.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing a fanfic so I'm new to this, but I have an awesome co-author hyukle who have some experians. 
> 
> This story that we are writing together is one that I wanted to read but I could'nt find one. So my awsome co-author decided that we would write it insted. 
> 
> The story will maybe have some thing that is triggering so I will put Trigger Warnings just in case for to much angst. In case you have missed in the tags this story is going to be a mpreg story. 
> 
> WARNING!! This story will contain self harm and suicide attempt!!!
> 
>  
> 
> English isn't our first language so we will do our best to write this story in a best way.  

They all were at the dorm sitting in the living room talking together Leo was smiling as he watched his members, talking and making fun of each other.

 

Hakyeon was sitting on the floor with Hongbin. Jaehwan was teasing Hongbin that was when Hakyeon drifted to his own world. He remembered the comments of their starlight's on their new mv. Starlight was his happiness; they would always leave nice and supporting comments. But there were this few comments of anti fans aimed at him. To how he was too old, that he just should leave the group, or the ones about his skin, or the ones about how fake he is. They thought he was anoying and they always point out how bad they felt for the memders to have him as a leader. The sad thing was that it wasn’t just some anti fans commenting, but some of them were fans as well.

 

Taekwoon looked over at Hakyeon poking his shoulder, noticing that the older was drifting off, “Yeonnie.” Hakyeon's thoughts got interrupted from his thoughts. He frowned and turned his head and met with Taekwoon's curios eyes. “Yeah, Wonnie”

 

Taekwoon smiled  “What are you thinking about” he whisper in his ear so no one would  hear what they were saying. 

 

Hakyeon started to panick, ‘did he notice that I was thinking about negative things?’ Hakyeon though. He tried to shake that thought off. “Nothing, why?” He shrugged and asked him.

 

Taekwoon blinked as he felt the distress within the older. “Nothing, you doze off a lot” he decided to say looking at him. 

 

Hakyeon scratched his neck as he felt some sweat on his hands. he tried to laugh it off as he looked at Taekwoon “Why, have you started to worry about me?” he tried to look everywhere but Taekwoon

 

Taekwoon smiled softly and looked at Hakyeon “Well you are my friend I would always be worried about you”

 

Hakyeon’s cheeks start getting warm as he smiled back at Taekwoon. ‘What would I do without him?’ he thought he just couldn’t imagine his life without the latter

 

“So you don’t want to talk about it?” Taekwoon said as he tried to catch the other’s eyes.

 

“Not now Wonnie, I’m too tired” Hakyeon said with a yawn. he was hoping Taekwoon would let it be for now.

 

Taekwoon arched an eyebrow before he decided to let it go. “Fine then!”

 

Hakyeon felt happy as Taekwoon decided to let it go. As he stand up the others looked at him. “Guys it’s late now, we should go to bed so we can wake up early tomorrow” he said but the others start complaining about not being tired and Hakyeon being annoying.

“Hyung you are old you can go to sleep first” Ravi said with a snort and the others laughed at that

 

Taekwoon looked at the other members then he looked back at Hakyeon “Yah tomorrow we have an early schedule we can’t be late so get up now and go to bed” he said with a stern voice as he felt Hakyeon was getting upset about what had been said, he saw that the members starting to get up with huffs and going to their rooms.he looked back at Hakyeon as he left the room, he stood up to follow him “Yeonnie” he called his name as he offer a smile as well, while looking at him.

 

Hakyeon looked back at Taekwoon and smiled back at him. Why is he so beautiful he thought to himself. “Yeah Wonnie what is it?” he said instead

 

Taekwoon smiled; he thinks I don’t realize how sad he is. “Well I am not tired yet” he pouted a little “so I want some company, will you?”

 

‘The pout he is making is so cute that I can’t evens say a no to him'. Hakyeon thought before he nod his head and ask him where to sit.Taekwoon pointed with his hand to the living room. Hakyeon followed him .

 

Yesss, Taekwoon cheered himself and smiled as he sat down on the couch in the living room waiting for Hakyeon to sit beside him.

 

Hakyeon saw him sit down at the couch in front of him as he started to get nervous. he decided to sit down beside him as he felt Taekwoon’s gaze on him. What did he want? I really don’t want to talk about what happened right now. Hakyeon tried to not think too much but his mind was not agreeing with him.

 

Taekwoon looked at Hakyeon and blinked, he is thinking too much again. he thought as he  let out a sigh and pull his head to rest at his shoulder “Rest Yeonnie and stop thinking please”.

 

Hakyeon was shocked when he felt his head hit the broad shoulder but then got comfortable, ‘it’s really comforting, his hand is so warm.’ he thought before he rested his head and tried to clear his mind. ‘Since when have he been so accepting towards cuddling? But I really shouldn’t think about it. This is really nice’ he smiled at the thought.

 

Taekwoon took his best friend's hand and start drawing circles on his palm. ‘I can’t take skin ship unless it was with him.’ He thought as he looked at him and smile a little ‘you have a special place in my heart, you know?’

 

‘The circle he is drawing on my palm is comforting, I feel a warm feeling going through my whole body.’ Hakyeon thought he tried to sneak a peek at him without him noticing.’The smile is so beautiful. I need to ask him what he wanted to talk about but I don’t dare to.’ he thought but the end he collect all the courage and asked the younger. “Wonnie, what is it you want to talk about?” he asked while looking down at his lap not daring to meet the other’s eyes he was scared that the later would know what’s wrong form only his eyes.

 

Taekwoon looked at Hakyeon as he heard him asking him,’oh what did I want from him… ah yes his worries.’ he thought “Why did you stop talking about your worries these days Yeonnie” Taekwoon said as he squeezed his hand gently.

 

Hakyeon felt a sting in his heart he didn’t want to talk about it, but he have to he thought to himself. “I did not mean to drift apart from you” he tried to take a breath as he continued “have you ever thought about me, maybe not being a necessary part in this band” he felt tears rolling down his cheeks. ‘Why am I crying?’ he scolded himself

 

Taekwoon’s eyes widen before he scoff “Yeonnie are you drunk? Do you have a fever? Are you OK??”

He turned around so they are now facing each other. “Yeonnie you are a very important part in the group. Where would we be without you” he looked into his eyes “You are the glue that keeps us together! No one can understand Vixx and how childish we are but you as well as being able to handle us handle us” he said with much emotions.

 

“I’m sorry I shouldn’t talk about this in front of anyone, but I have thought about it and I know the kids don’t really like my actions but I really like all of them.” Hakyeon said as he tried to wipe away his tears with his sleeve. “And I know all the fans don’t like me as well, I try to do everything in my mighty to make everything good but I seem to never success, should I even be here? Should I even live?” he said as he cried more 'I hate myself for showing myself so weak’ he thought.

 

Taekwoon let out a sigh as he pulled his best friend for a hug and rubbed his back soothingly and said “Pabo Yeonnie first of all you have so many fans and you can see it,  when you were filming your dramas, as well as how your dramas succeeded. As for the fans they scream whenever you do as small gesture at the stage” he played with his hair “and the members they love you, they can’t even live a day without you, you are our leader pabo we need you to lead us. If it weren’t for you and your constant hard working and nagging to make sure we are at the right path we wouldn’t be here”

Hakyeon hugged Taekwoon harder as his cries got harder. It really hurted him but what hurts more is that he knew he shouldn’t think that way but he still did. ‘I don’t want to think anymore I just want to sit here on Taekwoons lap and snuggle into his chest and hug him forever.’ He thought selfishly this time.

 

Taekwoon sighed as he heard no response from Hakyeon before he started rocking him right and left soothing him “you are very important to us Yeonnie” he left a kiss on his head “for me you are the most important person”

 

Hakyeon felt his heart starts beating faster as he start to feel a weird feeling in his stomach when Taekwoon kissed his head. “You are important to me as well,” he said as he hugged him tighter “I like you” he whispered really low so Taekwoon wouldn’t hear. Then he pressed his face to Taekwoon’s chest more because he felt his cheeks getting really warm.

 

Taekwoon looked down at Hakyeon ‘did I imagine what he said’ he thought as he looked around, uh I don't know what came over me I must be tired’ he shook his head before he asked Hakyeon "Yeonnie how about you sleep with me tonight?"

 

Hakyeon looked up at him and nod. He got up as Taekwoon was getting up as well. They started walking down the hall to their shared room. Hakyeon took out some clothes from the wardrobe and excuse himself to go to the bathroom. he walked into the bathroom and close the door behind him. 'Shit what did I say out loud am I stupid or something? Thank god he didn't hear me' he thought to himself. The mirror that is reflecting his image showed his blushing cheeks. 'Shit this isn't good at all' he thought as he started throwing some water on his face, then brushed his teeth. After that he changed to a t-shirt and shorts.

 

Taekwoon looked up at Hakyeon as he got left the room ‘but I am sure he said something. No mind stop playing games with me I can't have false hopes and I can't lose my only best friend’ his thoughts were interrupted when he heard the door opening signaling that the other one came in. Taekwoon looked at him, and smiled widely as he pull the covers up "come it is cold!!"

 

Hakyeon shuffled to get under the under the sheets and cuddled close to Taekwoon. ‘It really is cold’ he thought as he felt himself starting to shake. 'Why did I only put on a t-shirt and shorts' he asked himself.

 

Taekwoon chuckled at his best friend’s cuteness as he could feel him shiver from cold, he knew it was a habit for Hakyeon to wear only shorts and a t-shirt to sleep so he wrapped the cover around them tightly then wrapped his arms around Hakyeon tightly "better?” he asked in a whisper

 

Hakyeon looked up at Taekwoon blushing. "Yeah thank you Wonnie" he tried to relax in his arms. 'I wish you could love me the same way I love you' he thought to himself as he drifted to sleep having Taekwoon’s arms protectively around him.

 

Taekwoon smiled a little as it had been a while since they had a peaceful moment like this so he looked down and try to resist the urge to kiss his plump lips as he saw him fast asleep now so he shook his head “good night” he said and drifted to sleep too.


	2. Chapter 2

Taekwoon was the first to wake up the next morning. He frowned his eyebrows when he looking around, before he could adjust his eyes, he looked down at the male lying beside him and smiled. _‘Oh God he is so beautiful.’_ He thought as his fingers traced the boy's face gently. He pulled away and reached for his phone to see the time.  _‘Oh shit I’m gonna be late for the schedule.’_ Taekwoon looked down again at the brunette who is lying beside him and planted a kiss on his forehead before he sprinted out to get ready for the day.

 

Hakyeon woke up on a comfortable bed. When he stretched his limbs he felt  a space beside him. The brunette opened his eyes but the sun was shining to brightly. He tried to blink a couple times to adjust his vision. There was nobody beside him. ' _Where did Taekwoon go?'_  He thought when he didn't see the man he liked.  _'I knew I shouldn't have told anyone. People will not stick long for anyone.'_ Hakyeon started to blame himself as he picked up his phone to check the time. It showed 8am. A sigh left his mouth, remebering he didn't have a schedule till afternoon. He laid back and tried to relax, but he couldn't. The flashbacks from the day before forced their way into his thoughts, starting to stress him. His hands started to shake slightly. _‘We had a nice time, except the the time I was crying. I miss him. I hope he didn't lie to me? I want to belive and trust him but I'm afarid_ _.'_  He picked his phone again to see if there was something new to get his mind out of this, but all he could read was what netizen were talking about, their band. Soon he decided that he had enough. Hakyeon got up from the bed and walked out.

 

Taekwoon was having a quick breakfast with Hongbin due to their joint schedule, he heard the a door opening, he turned his head to see the brunet walking out from their room.  **"Oh. Good morning Yeonnie"**  Taekwoon smiled at his leader.

 

Hearing Taekwoon's sweet voice, made Hakyeon look ath his two bandmates, seeing his crush sitting beside Hongbin. He tired to fake a smile as he greeted them a good morning, before he went straight into the bathroom to take a shower. _'It seems like they are having a fun time together'_ he thought to himself. _'But why am I having this weird sad feeling inside of me?'_ Hakyeon thought before he decided to take a quick shower. When he was done he took a towel from the cabinet. _'Oh shit I forgot to take clothes in with me’._

 

Taekwoon and Hongbin were sitting in the living room waiting for the manager to get them. The other members started to waking up slowly one after the other. They greeted each other with good mornings. _‘But hakyeon was kind of sad when he woke up what would be wrong with him! I will ask him when I get back today’_ Taekwoon thought as he watched the members getting to their morning routine, he was worried.

 

Hakyeon walked out and tried to get into the room as soon as possible to get something on his bare body without no one noticing. When he was done he walked out to the others, before walking out he saw his reflection in the mirror. He noticed his face looking pale. _'Not good I need to put some makeup on. If the members see this ugly face they will dislike me more.'_  He thought before he applied some makeup _'this looks better, now I need to smile as big as possible'_  He thought as he walked out to the others with a big smile on his face

 

Taekwoon was laughing with Hongbin at a video before they heard the bedroom door open Taekwoon looked at Hakyeon _‘oh god that fake smile’_  He saw right through his facade. _‘And why does he put so much makeup he doesn't have a schedule now’_  He frowned but shook his head before he smiled and turned to continue watching the video.

 

Hakyeon saw Taekwoon laughing and having fun with Hongbin. ' _They look cute together'_ he thought to himself.  _‘But why does it hurt to see him being happy with someone else. I shouldn't think about this stupid things. I mean Hongbin have told us that he gets attracted to boys and girls, and he is really attractive. What do I have? Well nothing that would get anyone's attention'_. Hakyeon started to drift away from the group. Until he felt someone jumping on him. He looked back to see a laughing Jaehwan on his back. Jaehwan frowned when he saw his leader deep in his thought. But shrug knowing better than to ask at a time like this, he shrugged it off as he tease the leader more. Hakyeon tries to laugh to show them that he was happy _. 'I hope no one can see through me'_.

 

Taekwoon stood up when he heard the manager call him and Hongbin. He looked around as he saw the cute main vocal, and Hakyeon laughing together he smiled at the way they were acting so childlish.  **"We are going out"** Taekwoon heard Hongbin saying as the younger pulled him out of the apartment to bable to get to their schedule in time and start working.

 

When Hakyeon heard Hongbin calling that they are getting out he looked around to get one last glance at Taekwoon but he didn’t get the chance to see him. He felt a little bit empty but tried to not make it obvious. **"Jaehwanie~ get off me please you and Hyuk have a schedule together and you need to go soon."**  He tried to shook him off .The cute main vocal climbed off and walked with Hyuk and Wonshik towards the door. **"Ravi where are you going?"**  He asked the latter confused because it was his day off today. **"I will go to the studio to write some songs hyung, and don't worry about me if I get home late".** _‘I'm impressed, the kids have matured and are taking responsibility.’_ Hakyeon thought to himself   **"Okay, take care guys and take umbrellas with you, they said a storm will come today"** he said sounding a little bit naggingly. **"Yeah, take care hyung"** Hyuk says without turning, as he walked through the door with the other two.

 

 

Hongbin and Taekwoon were at their schedule but all Taekwoon was able to think about was Hakyeon and his fake smiles. _‘I thought he would be better after last night what would happen to him in only a night’_  He let out a sigh **"Hyung what's wrong?"** Hongbin asked the older male as he felt him drifting away.  **"Oh nothing, it’s just cold and I’m feeling a little bit tired."** Taekwoon said looking at him with a smile. **"Here you can get my jacket hyung"** The younger said as he was starting to take off his jacket, Taekwoon shook his head.  **"No it's okay."** Taekwoon said but Hongbin insisted and Taekwoon ended up with Hongbin’s jacket on, the whole day.

  
  


_‘What should I do now that I'm all alone?’_ Hakyeon thought. It had been two hours since the storm started. The manager called him a few minutes ago and told him that the drama would not be filmed due to the storm. _‘Now I am here all alone’_ Hakyeon thought as he got back to bed and tried to get some sleep. Dut the sleep didn’t come to him easily. Instead he starts to think again about the flaws in him. _‘Why do I feel like I just want to cry but I can't cry. I feel empty inside, I want to do something about it but I have no strength in my body. What if I told the members that I was gay, what would they think of me? Would they want me to be here? What would Taekwoon do if he finds out that I like him. He would for sure feel disgusted by me. I know he is straight. The guys know about Hongbin but he is bisexual so they have been okay with it but if they know about me they will hate me for sure. But they are right to feel disgusted by me. I'm ugly, have dark skin and looking to  feminine. But it hurts, Why am I like this? I want to be normal’_  The negative thoughts dragged on for hours. He looked at the clock on his phone and it showed 7pm. **“I didn't have my lunch today but it's alright because I need to lose some weight. I'm starting to gain weight and I can't add something more to my list of flaws.”**  He said to himself before he tried to sleep again and this time he succeeded.

 

Taekwoon came back home with Hongbin. He had heard from their manager that there was no schedule  for Hakyeon beacuse of the storm.  _‘Hakyeon must be at home’_ He thought as they walk inside the dorm, being met with silence and draknes. _‘Could he be out now?’_ Taekwoon thought as he walk to his room, only to see Hakyeon sleeping. The sight of the sleeping beauty making him simle.  **"You must have been lonely today."**  He said in a small voice before he start to change his clothes.

 

Hakyeon got awakened by some sounds of shuffeling. He looked around but it's too dark and he couldn't see anything. **"Did I woke you up? I am sorry."**  He heard Taekwoon apologize, voice filled with sympathy. Taekwoon blinked and waited for Hakyeon to answer.  **"Yeah, but it's fine."**  The older yawned teying to get up. **"Is everyone back?"**  He asked.

 

 **"No I think it's only me and Hongbin that are back. Go back to sleep. I will be out in a minute."** Taekwoon said as he put Hongbin’s jacket on again to keep himself warm.

A lump got stuck in Hakyeon's throat when he saw the main singer putting Hongbin's jacket on. _'Why does he have Hongbin’s jacket on?'_  He laid down on his bed back again as his dark thoughts were activated again. He felt his cheeks getting wet by his salty tears. _'Is there something going on between them? But Taekwoon is straight right?'_  He thought, but this time he couldn't stop his tears as the next thought came to his mind. _'Well even if he isn't straight, he would never fall in love with someone as ugly as me, otherwise he wouldn't be this cold to me like he was just now. I know I will always be alone.' H_ e couldn't stop crying untill he drifted back to sleep.

 

Taekwoon let out a sigh as he went out of the room. He couldn't stay there, Hakyeon seemed too tiered and sad.  _‘Why is he like this!’_ Taekwoon thought as he walked towards the living room, thinking for all the possibilities to why Hakyeon would be sad. He got back into the room after half an hour to check on the leader. He sat down on his leader's bed looking down at him.  **"He is pale. Is his sick?"**  He asked as he rested the palm of his hand over the brunette's forehead.  **"He doesn’t have any fever."** Leo frowned.  _‘What's wrong Yeonnie?’_ he asked himself. He shifted his hand to the elder's cheek, this motion made him frown more as he felt the wet cheek. _'Have you been crying? why?'_

 

Hakyeon woke up for the second time in this last hour as he felt a hand on my face. He raised his hand and tried to get the other hand off him. **"What is it?"** He asked but his voice got out really raspy.

 

Taekwoon looked down at him **"It is me Yeonnie"** He smiled as he played with the elder's soft hair gently. Hakyeon frowned  _'Why isn't he with Hongbin?'_  He questioned  **"Ah Wonnie, do you want any thing?"**  He tried to smile at him.

 

Taekwoon smiled, looking at the beauty in front of him  **"I want to talk, can we?"** he asked. 

 

Hakyeon looked at him a little confused. _‘Is something wrong with him? Is he feeling sick? Why dose he look so worried?’_  The shorter one of the two started to worry, so he sat up on the bed and made space for Taekwoon to sit beside him.

 

Taekwoon smiled as he sat down next to the older one and wrap an arm around him **"Now Yeonnie talk to me"** he said gently

 

 _‘This is confusing me more.’_ Hakyeon thought he looked at the younger confused. **"Talk about what Wonnie, I thought you wanted to talk"** he tried to act normal. _‘I'm still not feeling well to be able to talk. And there is this burning feeling that is killing me from the inside every time I think about Hongbin and my Taekwoon being together. But I can't tell him about this thing or he would hate me’_ Hakyeon drifted to his thoughts again.

 

 **"I want you to talk, you are sad and pale and you are not sick, so you are thinking too much. Talk to me and don't you dare lie"** Taekwoon his voice soft silk.

 

 **"I...I don't know what to saying"** Hakyeon looked down at his lap **"I** **'m fine really, I'm pale because I haven't eaten lun--."** Wrong move, _'I should never tell him that I skip meals, shit he will get angry.'_ He thought as he looked up at Taekwoon **"Wonnie tell me about your day instead of me. I'm boring, I have been sleeping all day"** He tried to smile at him hoping he would let his flaws be.

 

Taekwoon glared at Hakyeon **"Yah we talked about skipping meals before, and you promised you won't skip meals again!"** He said as he sat up a little **"And forget about my day tell me how you've been feeling today, I know you were sad since morning!"**

 

 **"I'm sorry, I wasn't hungry at all that's why I skipped. And I have been feeling really tired these days that's why I have been sleeping all day”** Hakyeon tried to look everywhere but Taekwoon. But what he just said was the truth. He was feeling exhausted and he didn’t feel like doing anything, feeling unmotivated and not having any appetite.

 

Taekwoon let out a sigh looking at Hakyeon  **"Yeonnie talk to me, tell me what's wrong, what you said yesterday I know it is not all!"**

 

 **"I... I-- "** The word got stuck in his throat as he tried to talk _. ‘Why is he pressuring me so much, I don’t want to talk about my depression. I don’t want to drag anyone here with me.’_ He ould feel the tears wetting his cheeks again. _'Really now. Is crying the only thing I'm good at. Why do I always cry in front of him? I don't want him to see me like this.'_   The brunette tried to dry his tears with his sleeves, but it didn’t help as new tears left his eyes. **"It's too much"** He sobbed, it was overwhelming for him.

 

Taekwoon panicked before he pulled his best friend in a hug and said in a shaky voice **"I am sorry, don't push yourself, I am sorry."**   He rubbed his back gently. _‘Please don’t try to get far away from me, I want to help you.’_  The younger thought as he felt tears threatening to fall but he didn’t allow them to. He gulped down his tears as he tried to hug the older tighter.

 

Hakyeon cried harder when he got hugged. **"It's too much Wonnie"**  He said pressing his face in between his crush's shoulder and neck  **"I don't know if I - if I want to ... continue this."**  His sobs got louder as he hugged the taller male tighter **"Wonnie don't leave"**  He begged, his voice low in a whisper.

 

 _‘Oh my god.’_ Taekwoon thought to himself.  _‘He must be going through so much if only I can help with words idiot taekwoon.’_  He hugged his friend tighter **"I won't, I will never leave I am always here for you."**  He felt his eyes water a bit as he couldn't take this much pain

 

 **"I'm sorry I shouldn't drag you with me here. Nobody should known about my problems Wonnie,”** Hakyeon cried as he grips the sides of Taekwoon's shirt. **"Why are you always trying to break through my walls? You are not fair Wonnie,"** He hiccupped as one of his hands travelled up to his chest. His hand balled in a fist and he started to hit Taekwoon's chest lightly. **"Why are you doing this to me? You should be sitting with Hongbin and having funny time right now. Not sitting here with the with a depressed me."**  Hakyeon said with so much sadness.

 

Taekwoon rubbed his friend's back soothingly.  **"I am trying to break your walls because you mean a lot to me and I want to know everything about you."**  He took one of Hakyeon's cold hands and squeezed it gently.  **"And I want to stay with you here and not out there with Hongbin because you need me and I know you do. Don't try denying it!"**  

 

Hakyeon wanted to deny it but the look in the Taekwoon's eyes was so sincere. He looked up at Taekwoon, eyes filled tears. **"Wonnie, why are you like this to me? No one cares about me. Not even our band mates care about me. Not that I want to bother them."**  He tried to find the answer in the Taekwoon's mysterious eyes, but it was harder than he thought it would be. **"What am I to you?"** He let the question leave his moth before he could stop himself.  _'Why did I ask? Stupid. Now my heart will get broken and I will be left alone like I always am.'_  He thought as tears filled his eyes again.

 

Taekwoon gulped as he heard the question. He looked around, he wanted to tell him the truth but decided it wasn't time for it yet. It was too early for both of them to confess their feelings. Taekwoon was afraid that if he confessed it would then affect their friendship. If he couldn't have him as a lover then he at least wanted him as a friend. **"For me you are a friend I can't live without. I can't even imagine a life without you. I care a lot about you."** _‘And I love you with all my heart.’_  He wanted to say the last sentence but couldn't. 

 

Hakyeon's smile was this time real, it was a small one but real one. **"I-.."**  He tried to tell his best friend about his thoughts about him but got interrupted by Jaehwans scream  **"LEO HYUNG WHERE ARE YOU. WE ARE REALLY HUNGRY!"** Hakyeon started panicking as he heard Ken’s voice getting near their room. _'Shit what should I do? I don't want them to see me like this'_. Hakyeon started to tremble. His grip on Taekwoon started to get loose. His breathing got faster and louder as the room started to close on him, he felt nausea.

 

 **"Shit"** Taekwoon said in a low voice before he took the latter tighter in his arms, as he felt him statremble  **"YOU CAN EAT WHATEVER IS IN THE FRIDGE!"**  He shouted back to Jaehwan before he looked back at Hakyeon.  **"Now what were you saying?"**  He said calmly wanting to calm the older male. His arms stayed there around the slightly older male, protecting him from everything else in this room and outside of it. He didn't dare to let him go, afraid that something would take away the flow they were having before someone interrupted them. He started to say soothing words so could calm the older one.

 

When Hakyeon heard the soothing word of Taekwoon, and heard that Jaehwan's footsteps where getting further away from the room, he tried to calm down as much as possible. The tight grip around him made him feel protected and safe. After a moment of silence the brunet spoke. **"I feel the same."** He looked up at the main vocal  **"Thank you Wonnie"** He said as he looked at his friend's clothed chest not daring to look up anymore.  **"I'm sorry for taking up so much of your time."** He stayed in the strong arms for a little bit more but then he started to get out of the firm grip. **"Taekwoon ah, you should go and make food for the kids."** He said with a slight shake.

 

Taekwoon tightened his arms around Hakyeon's thin waist once again when he felt the older getting up **"The kids can depend on themselves for once. Right now my focus is only on you."** He looked down at his friend and said  **"Now I only want to know what is wrong and you are not getting up until you say the truth."**

 

Hakyeon fell back in the strong embrace. _‘I don't know what to tell you. Should I tell you that I'm gay or that I hate myself? What should I say? But I don’t want you to get worried about me because of my stupid thoughts.’_ Hakyeon thought as he laid there for a long time. **"I don't know what to say Wonnie, I'm always thinking about bad things."**  He decided to say. Taekwoon looked at him.  **"Since when have you been afraid to let me know of your thoughts?"** I asked softly.

 

The question caught Hakyeon off guard. _'Since when have I been like this?'_ Hakyeon didn't know what to say any more but he felt like to let his friend know something about him. He didn't want to distance himself anymore from the person he likes. He mean like finally they are cuddling and hugging. If he gets to far away maybe the younger would give up on him. **"Taekwoon I need to tell you something but... I don't know."**  He said yet not daring to look up.

 

Taekwoon hugged him even tighter and looked down at him.  **"Say and I will tell you something in return."**  He decided to say that he was gay. _‘This will help him open up more I know he is understanding right?’_ Taekwoon thought nervously

 

Hakyeon looked up at his friend  **"Please say what you want to say. The thing I want to say, is hard to say for me,"** _‘I want to tell you everything but there is something that is dragging me down, telling me to not tell you  anything’_ Hakyeon thought.

 

Taekwoon looked at Hakyeon then looked around.  **"I am gay."**  He said looking down at his lap waiting for the smaller's reaction.

 

 _‘That shocked me, I never thought that you would be gay. But if he is gay does it mean that he maybe would be able to like me back. But what if he is in love with Hongbin. They are always having fun together. I should tell him as well.’_ Hakyeon thought before he decided to confess as well **"Me too."**

 

The raven-haired man looked at Hakyeon with wide eyes.  _‘Woah he is as well, this will give me more chance I think’_ **"really? And here I was afraid of judgment."** Leo chuckled softly

 

Hakyeon smiled back at him. **"I would never judge you Wonnie! You are too special for me to judge."**  He said with smile feeling like a rock had been lifted from his back. _‘That's the only thing I'm going to tell him for now I don't want things to go wrong.’_ Hakyeon decided.  **"I have been worried to tell you that I'm gay as well. I thought no one here would accept me."**  He confessed while looking down.

 

Taekwoon looked at the older and smiled,  **"Don't think like that I know the others won't care if we are gay or not. I mean Binnie is bisexual and no one bat an eye so I think they will accept. Maybe they will tease but nothing more."**

 

The leader smiled back at his friend but then the smile vanished. **"I know but Binne is Binne and I'm me. I know the members would never like to be my friends if it wasn't for the band's sake that's why I have never told them. You know Binne is the perfect one in this band, he is beautiful, tall, funny and have many good friends and so many fans as well."** He explained as he rested  his head on the taller ones chest. Hakyeon felt like all the strength that he had left his body suddnly.  _'It maybe is because I haven't put anything in my mouth since I woke up this morning. But who really cares, I don't.’_ Hakyeon thought to himself.

 

 **"Stop saying these things, the kids love you not just because we are in a band"** Taekwoon said as he squeezed the other's shoulder a bit.  **"Everything will be okay~"** He said as he started to get up.  **"What do you want to eat?"** he asked his friend that eaten anything.

 

Hakyeon tried to stand up following Taekwoon up but suddenly his vision went black and he fell. Taekwoon gasped in surprise as he saw Hakyeon faint in front of him. He rushed to his friend catching him before his body hit the floor.  **"Yeonnie!"**  He called as he laid him down on the bed,  **"Oh god what's wrong!"**  He said before he rushed out to call the manager telling him that Hakyeon had fainted. The manager called for a doctor, when he checked on Hakyeon.  **"Hyung please let the doctor hurry."** Taekwoon begged the manager in a panicked voice.

 

The members looked confused as they saw Taekwoon panicking. **"What happen?"** Hyuk asked confused. The other three members had the same confused and worried look. **"Have something bad happened that we need to call a doctor that bad?"** Hongbin asked being uncomfortable with the word doctor

 

 **"Hakyeon fainted."**  Taekwoon explained **"WHERE THE FUCK IS THE DOCTOR?"** Taekwoon raised his voice unintentionally as his stress and worry was getting out of hand. He saw the manager opening the door and coming with the doctor as he rushed towards them.  **"Oh shit"** came from Ravi's mouth still shocked. The doctor went into the room where Hakyeon was lying. The others followed after him but he told them to stay outside.

 

Taekwoon cursed as he saw the doctor going alone inside. He felt two hand on his shoulders, he looked up seeing Hongbin standing beside him, trying to calm him down but he was too worried to care.

 

 

Hakyeon woke up to a strong scent entering his lungs and hands touching his body. He coughed a few times before the scent was removed. He tried to focus his eyes, seeing a doctor examining his body and his manager holding into a can. **"What happened?"** he asked confiused, his voice raspy.

 

The doctor looked down at him. **"Mr. Cha you fainted."**  He said as he helped him to sit up a little bit. **"Tell me Mr. Cha, have you been skipping meals?"** He looked down at the idol expecting an answer. 

 

 **"Yeah, a little I haven't eaten anything today"** Hakyeon answered looking down at his lap in shame.  **"Why is that Mr. Cha? Is it something that just happened today or something that is happening frequently?"**  The doctor asked as he had met many idols that usually starved themselves for the sake of their fame. ‘ _I don't want to answer him anymore. But his gaze makes me do it.’_ Hakyeon thought **"I don't know, I lose my appetite every time I see food"** he answered. **"Okay and why is that do you think."**  He asked again. **"I don't know."** Hakyeon said trying to end this conversation and look away from his manager that looked at him confused. **"Well Mr. Cha you fainted because you haven't been eating much lately, and you have low blood pressure. I saw that when I mesuresed your blood pressure. I will leave some vitamins here for you. You have to take them everyday and don't skip any more meals. Otherwise you seems allright"**. He said before he got up and left the room with the manager. 

 

Taekwoon jumped up instantly when he saw the doctor getting out of the room he asked him about what happened and what was wrong with his Hakyeon.  **"Calm down Mr. Jung"** The doctor said as he explained to the members why their leader fainted, anyone could see the shock and sadness in their eyes. Taekwoon went inside the room to check on the leader that he had to see  **"Yeonnie"** he called the moment he was inside.

 

Hakyeon’s thoughts got interrupted when he heard someone calling for him. **"Yeah Wonnie."**  He answered trying to smile at him. _'He looks really sad I don't like the look on his face'_  

 

 **"Yaaah you made me so worried!"** Taekwoon scolded as he sat down beside Hakyeon. The members follwed Taekwoon inside, worry written all over their faces.  _‘Why do they look so worried.’_ Hakyeon thought as he looked at them.  **"Guys what is it, I'm fine why are you looking so sad and worried?"** Hakyeon said smiling trying to assure them that everything was just fine. Hyuk sat on the bed beside him and hugged the leader tightly. 

 

 **"Hyung I'm hungry aren't you?"** He asked trying his best to show his emotions. Hakyeon was confused and looked at the member. **"Hyungie, Jaehwanie is hungry as well come eat with me"** Jaehwan tried to lure him with his cuteness. Taekwoon looked at his members and smiled  **"How about we chicken soup?"**  He asked knowing that it would be better for Hakyeon's stomach to have somthing light first. Hakyeon smiled back at him. **"Yeah, that sounds good"** He said agreeing with Taekwoon. The main vocal got up to prepare the soup getting Hongbin to help him.

 

Hakyeon saw Hongbin following Taekwoon out.  _'They look good together. Just like a cute couple._ _'_   He tried to take his mind off them as he focused on something else. He tried laugh at Jaehwan's weird joke but it was getting harder.  **"Hyung can you get up so we can go sit in the living room until the ffod is ready?"** The rapper asked his leader.

 

Hakyeon nodded and tried to get up. He let Hyuk wrap his strong arm around his waist and hold him tightly to help him walk. Hakyeon smiled liking the way the members took care of him.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is chapter 3. I hope you enjoy it ^^

When they finished eating everyone shuffled to their room it was only Taekwoon, Ravi and Hakyeon sitting in the living room. Taekwoon thought about taking the older out for a bit he thought to himself. _‘I don't think Ravi would want to go out, he for sure have some composing to work on, now it is my chance to get Hakyeon out of the house.’_ **"Yeonnie how about we go out for a walk or something now the weather is better"**  He was looking at the elder as he asked him. 

 

 **"Okay"**  The older answered immediately, he had been wanting to go out because he was feeling suffocated. He stood up and started to walk to their room to change his clothes. He stopped suddenly and looked at Ravi. ‘ _He looks lonely right now’_ he thought as he asked him. **"What are you going to do Ravi?"**  
  
 **"Nothing... can I come with you?"**  The rapper answers looking expecting at them. Hakyeon softened and smiled as nodded. The older didn't think that Teakwoon’s offer was just for him.  
  
The raven-haired boy frowned when he heard the older asking Ravi. _‘It was supposed to be only him and me what's wrong with him!’_ Taekwoon thinks irritated **"Fine then let's all go out"** Taekwoon said as he stood up and walked toward their room to change his clothes as well. _‘Why can't I just have some alone time with him!’_ The raven-haired boy cursed under his breath as he finished dressing up.  
  
Both boys were standing in the hall waiting for Taekwoon to be done. **"Hyung, how are you feeling now"** Ravi asked the older with concern in his voice. Hakyeon turned to face him and smiled, **"Ya, Ravi I'm fine no need to worry about me"** Hakyeon told him while he put his hands on Ravi's cheeks and smiled at him, so he would believe him. The younger didn’t seem to be convinced, but he didn't ask any more. When the older turned around again he saw Taekwoon coming out of their shared room, fully dressed with a jacket and a scarf.  
  
Taekwoon walked out from the room with a frown as he looked at Hakyeon then at Ravi **"wear jackets guys it is cold outside"** He saw them both shuffle to get jackets before they all got to the front door. When they walked out he saw how close Ravi was with the older one and how real Hakyeon’s smile was with the rapper. The raven-haired boy let out an inaudible sigh walking beside the other two.  
  
The three boys got out from the dorm. The cold wind hit them hard and Hakyeon started to shiver. **"It really is cold"** he said.

  
Taekwoon was about to take off his jacket before he saw Ravi wrapping his scarf around the older. _‘Why does he have to be so fast’_  The raven-haired boy looked at Hakyeon as he smiled at Ravi while thanking him. Taekwoon wrap the jacket tighter against his body as he kept walking and drifted in his thoughts. _‘Why do I have to be so bad with words? Why can't I talk a lot like the other members?’_ the singer shook his head as he look at the other two.  
  
Ravi was extremely nice to Hakyeon today, it made Hakyeon feel better a little bit. The rapper usually  only hanged with the maknae line or with Ken, and sometimes with Taekwoon because of the subunit LR. The thing that the brunet wasn't expecting was that the rapper would crack jokes from time to time. Hakyeon looked over a Taekwoon but the other seemed too distant so he called for the raven-haired boy so he could get his attention. **"Taekwoon ah, Woonie~"**  
  
Taekwoon smiled at the older boy as he heard him calling. **"Yes Yeonnie"**  The raven-haired boy walks towards the other **"What is it?"**

  
 **“You seemed distant, what’s going on?”** Hakyeon asked wanting to start a conversation  
The raven-haired boy smiled and shook his head **"I just prefer silence"**  He gave his leader a small smile. _‘Really Taekwoon it’s like you are telling him to shut up and not talk to you!’_ The main vocal thought to himself.  
  
 **"Oh, sorry if I did disturb you"** Hakyeon said and tried to walk away from there. Ravi walked up between them and he put his arms on the boys' shoulders. **"So what are you talking about"** He asked them smiling.  _‘Screw you Taekwoon’_ he said in his mind _‘fucking things up more’_ , Taekwoon looked at Ravi with a blank look  **"He was asking why am I silent"**  
  
 **"Oh and why are you silent hyung, don't you want to hang with us"** Ravi asked knowing that he was the reason behind why Taekwoon was acting like that, he found it funny and wanted to tease him more.  
  
Taekwoon gulped as he looked down **"Oh it's just that I like to walk in silence like always."**  He looked at Ravi then at Hakyeon before he returned to look down playing with his hands.  
  
The answer left a smirk on Ravi's face as he looked at Hakyeon. **"Hyung should we let Leo hyung alone so we will not disturb his thoughts?"** Ravi asked wanting to know Hakyeon’s reaction. **"Yah what are you saying of course we shouldn't do that, we went out together then we should hangout together"** Hakyeon answered, not wanting to leave Taekwoon alone.  
  
When the raven-haired boy heard what Ravi asked Hakyeon he almost had a heart attack. He was afraid of the answer the older would give. After he heard what the older said he let out a sigh **"You can do that I can just go back to the dorm"** Taekwoon told them with a fake smile  
  
 **"Ya what are you talking about, you were the one who wanted to go out."** The brunette said, _'Seriously why is he this sad, didn’t he want to be out with me'_ the leader started to feel uncomfortabel at the thought of Taekwoon not wanting to hang out with him.  
  
Taekwoon smiled **"It is just because I was going to stay silent the whole walk." H** e said looking at Hakyeon then at Ravi **"where should we go now?"** The raven-haired boy tried to change the subject  
  
 **"How about we all go home again and sleep. All of us need to wake up early tomorrow, because we will need to practice for our comeback album."** Ravi says. Hakyeon agrees with him and they start to head back home. Taekwoon let out a sigh as he followed them still silently, he still wanted to be with the older one.  _‘Ugh why are you like this Taekwoon? You deserve this you silent bastard’_.  
  
When they got home Ravi ran to the bathroom so he would be able to be done first. Hakyeon looked at Taekwoon _‘I want to ask him what is wrong but I don't dare to.’_  He thought.Taekwoon let out a sigh as he walks towards the bedroom to take some clothes so he could take a shower after Ravi  
  
Hakyeon followed Taekwoon to the room as he watched the raven-haired boy taking his clothes. In the end Hakyeon gathered some courage and asked his friend. **"Wonnie~ what's wrong, you don't seem to be happy."**  He asked hoping for an honest answer.  
  


Taekwoon looked at Hakyeon and smiled a bit.  **"Nothing I was just thinking."** _‘I hope you won't ask more’_ he thought. Hakyeon pouted but didn't want to force his friend to tell him. _'Why doesn't he want to talk to me? Did I do something that upset him?'_ He started to question himself as he was starting to feel anxious again. He saw Taekwoon go out to take a shower, so he changed to sweatpants and a t-shirt. He laid down on his bed. _'I will take a shower tomorrow morning instead'_ he thought as he drifts to sleep.

 

Taekwoon saw Wonshik get out of the shower, when he was about to get in Ravi stopped him.  **"You know, that you like silence is not the reason you stayed silent today."** Ravi said with a smirk he always liked to tease the quiet man he blink.  _‘I know he knows I am gay but what is he talking about.’_ Taekwoon thought to himself.  **"What do you mean?"** Taekwoon looked at the younger confused.

 

 **"Nothing hyung, have fun in the shower"** Ravi said as he walked away. Taekwoon stood there for a while staring at the door.  _‘Does he know I like Hakyeon? Am I that obvious? If I am, then why is he trying to be close to Hakyeon?’_ Taekwoon thought before he shook his head as he walked into the bathroom take a shower. He got out after 15 minutes and went to his room drying his hair with the towel. He glanced at Hakyeon and smiled _‘He is so cute!!’ H_ e thought before he threw the towel away and got into his bed to end the day.

 

 

_Around him were tall walls in blue and grey. He looked around but noticed that he was all alone. The young boy looked around aging but nothing changed. He felt something touch his small toes. ‘Wait where is my shoes and why are my feet so small’ He picked up the ball that touched his feet. “Hey, weird boy give me my ball”._

 

_The small boy try to follow the voice but the reasone is gone when he sees 5 boys surround him_ _. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.” He let the ball roll to them. “Can you tell me please where I am?” He asked them. “Haha, is this dumb boy serous?” One of the boys laughed hard and laud. “You are in school you dumb head did you forget the happy (sad and hard) times we spend with you?”_

 

_Now it all hit him, ‘This is the hell I lived in. No I need to get out’. He started to run but it felt like he didn’t move far. He saw one of the boys still standing in front of him. “You can’t get away you know that you idiot” The boy said sounding like Hyuk. ‘Why do he have his voice? Is that Hyuk?’ He looked up again seeing Hyuk standing in front of him._

 

_“Hey, you fag wait for us we want to play with you” Someone behind him called. The small boy looked back and to see Wonshik, Jaehwan, Hongbin and Taekwoon chasing him with different tools in their hands. Wonshik had a bat, Taekwoon had a knife menawhile Jaehwan and Hongbin had pipes in their hands. He tries to run faster and faster but it was all in vain.  He felt someone getting a grip on his tiny shoulder, He felt himself start to panic. He tried to shake the hand of  him, but it was hard. He looked back to see who the person was-_

 

Taekwoon woke up in the middle of the night hearing noises he frowned looking around reaching for his phone it was 2 am, he then realized that Hakyeon was moving.  _‘He must be having a nightmare.’_  He thought as he jumped from his bed rushing to Hakyeon's bed. He nudged Hakyeon awake **"Yeonnie, Yeonnie"** Taekwoon tried to wake him up, shaking his shoulder. 

 

Hakyeon woke up gasping and crying. His throat was dry, like someone had poured sand into his throat. Hakyeon was a panting and gasping mess, before he realized he had woken up from a nightmare. The tears started to fall and he couldn't control his sobs anymore. _‘The nightmare was too real’_ Hakyeon was sacred.

 

Taekwoon’s eyes widen fully awake now, he hugged his friend tightly.  **"Yeonnie it was just a dream."** Taekwoon said as he start rubbing his back soothingly.

 

Hakyeon's sobs got harder and messier. He grabbed into his friend's shirt as he tried to form complite sentence  **"I-it seemed s-so re-real."**  He had to breath **"I-I wa-was scared. Everyone were th-there."**  He tried to tell Taekwoon while trying to stop his sobs.

 

Taekwoon held the elder close **"Okay, just calm down."**  He said still rubbing his friend back gently.  **"Forget about it for now it is okay, I am here now."** he assured in a soothing voice.

 

The sobs didn't stop for a while. But then he gave in and fell into the younger male's arms, feeling exhausted. **"Wonnie I don't think I will be able to sleep anymore."**  Hakyeon said sounded empty.  **"I will stay with you then."** Taekwoon said determined as he got into the bed beside Hakyeon still holding him close. **"It will be alright Yeonnie, I'm here"**

 

 **"You should go and sleep Wonnie, I don't want to disturb you sleep anymore. We have a long day of practicing tomorrow don't forget."** Hakyeon said while trying to get up to let Taekwoon sleep in his own place. _‘I hate it, I want to you to sleep with me. But my morals tell me to let you rest’_. Hakyeon thought, as he tried too getting up he felt strong arms holding him down.

 

Taekwoon tighten his arms around Hakyeon **"Stay right here we are sleeping together today."**  His voice was stern as he looked down at Hakyeon.

 

Hakyeon got back again under the cover. He cuddle close to Taekwoon's chest loving to have his arms around him. _‘I know that I won't be able to sleep, but your smell is so soothing and it helps me to calm down’_ Hakyeon thought.

 

Taekwoon smiled as he felt the slightly older male snuggle closer to him. The main singer started humming softly trying to make him sleep, while rubbing his back soothingly. He could feel Hakyeon relax in his arms as he looked down at his friend and saw him asleep. He leaned down to kiss his forehead before he close his eyes sleep taking over eventually.

 

 

Taekwoon woke up the feeling of his numb arm. He looked to the source to the weight on it, realizing that it was Hakyeon sleeping on his arm. ‘W _oah he looks so peaceful like this.’_  He smiled tracing Hakyeon's face with his index finger _‘So beautiful’ His heart skipped a beat._

 

Hakyeon felt something tracing his face. His eyes fluttered open and he saw Taekwoon looking down at him. He was too struck by his beautiful features, that he forgot how to breath.

 

Taekwoon's eyes widen when he saw Hakyeon open his eyes and blush.  **"Morning Yeonnie~"**  He smiled. **"** **Morning"**  Hakyeon smiled back while blushing. He looked around the room to hide his emotions from his friend. **"what time is it?"** Hakyeon asked trying to get up.

 

Taekwoon reached for his phone to see the time.  **"it's 8 am there is still time before the schedule to starts."**  He said as he laid back on the pillow.  **"Thank God it's just the vocal practice."**  Hakyeon sighed as he started to feel the stress from this day's schedule.

 

Taekwoon grinned as he reached to play with the leader's sot brown hair.  **"Yes I like these quiet days".**

Hakyeon looked down not being able to meet the Taekwoon's eyes without getting all the emotions up. **"Wonnie we maybe should get up and make breakfast for the kids."**

 

After a while Hakyeon got up to take a shower. But when he got up, he felt the need to stop still for a bit, feeling dizzy. After a while he felt better, **"I'll go in and take a quick shower, you'd better get up before the kids wake up,"** Hakyeon said smiling.

 

Taekwoon open his eyes looking around as he saw that Hakyeon was already up.  **"Yeonnie where are you going?"**  He pouted, not wanting to get up.  **"I will wake the kids up and then I will take a shower. Now get up Wonnie!"** Hakyeon said trying to smile. The sweat from last night was sticking all over him and he smelled bad at the moment, _‘I don't want you to get disgusted by me’_

 

Taekwoon pouted looking up at Hakyeon **“I don’t wanna”** he said still sleepy as he roll over in the bed to lie on Hakyeon's side. Hakyeon sighed as he walked to Taekwoon trying to shake him awake. **"Yah- Wonnie wake up"**  he demanded.  **"Yeonnie"**  Taekwoon whined  **"let me sleep some more"**

 

 **"Okay then I will wake the kids wake up instead and you know how that will end."**  Hakyeon warned playfully.  **"Ugh fine I'm up"**  Taekwoon gave up with a pout on his beautifully pink lips.

 

 **"Good, then I will take a shower now. Taekwoon~ah don't let the kids near the kitchen you know what happened last time Binnie was there"** Hakyeon said reminding him about the time Hongbin alsmost burned down the enitre kitchen. ‘ _I wish we didn't have a schedule so I could cuddle him. He is so cute.’_ Hakyeon thought with a smile  **"Fine I will go make a breakfast"**  Taekwoon said as he got up.

 

Hakyeon's was finllay able to be himself when he walked into the shower, his thoughts starting to flow in his head again. The flashbacks from his dream got the best of his emotions. His eyes started to fill with tears and his weak body started to shake. _‘Why did I have that dream? I don't want any flashbacks from my past. Why were my members in this nightmare? I'm afraid they will turn out like the dream. Can they? B-’_ his thoughts got interrupted by a voice calling for him. **"HYUNG! Hyung~ when will you get out you have been in there for 40 minutes. We are hungry we want to eat but we need to wait for you"**  He heard Hyuk whine. **"Y-yeah I'm done"** Hakyeon answered as he quickly started to clean himself. He dressed quickly and took a quick look at the mirror. _‘Shit my eyes are so red! Did I cry that much?’_ He slightly panicked.

Taekwoon was in the kitchen making breakfast when he heard Hyuk shouting for Hakyeon to finish quickly. ‘W _ell it is been awhile since he got into the bathroom, what took him so long?’_ He thought as he shook his head, he heard Hongbin coming in and smiled, greeting him.  **"Want some help hyung?"**  He asked with a wide smiles, shwoing his deep dimpels.  **"Please don't, we need the kitchen."** Taekwoon joked with a small laugh as he finished preparing for the breakfast. **"But you can prepare the plates."**  He smiled  **"Yes hyung."** Hongbin started to take the paltes out from the cabinet.

When Hakyeon got out from the bathroom, he walked to the dining table. He asked if they needed any help but noticed that they had already prepared evertthing. He decided to sit down beside their cute main vocal instead and waited for the others to sit down as well.

 

Taekwoon came back to the table with the last plate as he put it down before he took his seat that was in front of Hakyeon.  **"HYUK-AH RAVI-AH HURRY UP"** Hongbin shouted.

 

Hakyeon looked at the clock, they havd one hour untill the manager would arrive and get them. The brunette started to eat his breakfast not bothering to look up afraid they would notice his puffy eyes. Instead he got worried about them noticing that he was more silent than usual. Ussally he would always nag at them about everything.  **"We have only one hour untill the manger arrives. Don't stress but don't be lazy."** He informed.

 

Taekwoon looked up with a frown when he heard Hakyeon's voice. _‘Was he crying again?’_ he wondered as he heard the raspy and small voice. He realized how the older was eating without looking up. He was pulled out from his thoughts when he heard Hongbin priasing the food, making him smile at the younger male.  **"I am glad you like it."**  He smiled before he continue eating, pushing the thoughts of Hakyeon aside for now. 

 

When the manager arrived they were done and ready. They climbed into the car, Hakyeon taking the passenger's seat as usually while the others sat behind him and the manger. It took about 30 minutes to get to the studio. They had to practice and record for the new album. Hongbin was out first for the practice, to be the first one recording his part after it. By the time he was done it was Taekwoon's turn. And after Taekwoon it was Hakyeon's. He started to sing but there was something that did not sound good with his voice. He made many mistakes, his voice was breaking an shaing. He couldn't stay there for long everything was a mess and he meesed up for the whole group. He went out of the studio as fast as possible, with the excuse that he needed to go to the toilet and take a small break.

 

Taekwoon had decided to wait for Hakyeon for Hakyeon in the studio, he frowned when he heard Hakyeon's usually confident and steady voice shake and break so many times. He was afraid that the older had got sick. He was pulled out of his thoughts when he heard the door opening and someone rushing out. When he reaized that it was Hakyeon he ran after him immediately, seeing him getting into the bathroom and into one of the stalls.  **"Yeonnie?"** He knocked at the door he saw closing.

 

Hakyeon went into the stall not wanting anyone near he needed a moment for himself. He needed to calm down and fix his mistakes that only increased every day.  **"Please go away!”** He said trying to controll his shaking voice

 

 **"Yeonnie please open the door"** Taekwoon refused to let him be alone. He was afraid Hakyeon would do something stupid or that something would happen to him in there.  **"Yeonnie."** he knocked again not giving up. **"I don't want to."** Hakyeon let out a cry. He wanted him to stay and hold him, but he couldn't let Taekwoon see him crying again. He didn't want to become a burden to him. Taekwoon knocked at the door harder now. **"If you don't open the door I'm breaking it!"** He warned.

 

The leader refused at first to open the door but being afraid that his lifelong friend would break the door, he realized that he had no other choice but to open the door.  **"Taekwoon why do you always want to see me when I look the worst?"**  He asked looking down at the floor. Taekwoon cupped Hakyeon's chubby cheeks in his warm hands as he to hold his face up. **"Because I don't want to see you just in your best. I want to see you in your worst and best and every time. Hakyeon-ah please let me be there for you every time"** he begged for the older to alway find him when he didn't feel well.

 

 **"I can't do this anymore, it's getting too much. I don't think I can do it, I can't even sing anymore,"** Hakyeon couldn't look Taekwoon in the eyes. The main vocal looked at his leader, he seemed so small and broken at the moment that it broke his heart.  **"Y** **ou are going to take two days off. and you are not going to complain about it"** He decided as he pulled Hakyeon towards the sink, he opened the water tap, letting the water run a little before he filled his cupped hand with water  **"Bend down."** He demanded

 

Having no other choice Hakyeon bent down letting Taekwoon clean his face. **"But I can't take any day off we need to have our comeback soon"** Hakyeon protested when he was drying his face with a paper towel. He didn't want to take a day off.  **"Yes you can and I will talk to the manager."** Taekwoon responded. **"Taking two days rest won't affect anything"** Taekwoon said as he pulled Hakyeon out of the bathroom. 

 

 **"But, Taekwoon~ah I can't be unfair to the others. If I take a day off then you have too"** Hakyeon said looking serious at Taekwoon, feeling guilty and unfair.  **"And you can't be unfair to yourself Hakyeon"** Taekwoon's voice got a bit louder. **"B-but Taekwoon~ah"** Hakyeon stuttered as he looked down feeling dominated by his friend.

 

The raven-haired boy looked at the older before pulling him back to the bathroom.  **"You think I didn't see how red your eyes were this morning, or how pale you look these days, or how weak you have became Hakyeon. This is so unfair for us that you do that to yourself. This is stupid! You should take care of yourself."** he let out a sigh before continuing in a gentle voice.  **"We care about you more than you think, Yeonnie I can't imagine VIXX without you. You have helped me a lot so it is my turn! Please let me help you through this."** Taekwoon begged.

 

The brunette got closer to Taekwoon and hugged him tight feeling guilty. He shouldn't worry them, he should be better at hiding his this feelings. He was unfair to them. **"I will get better don't worry about me."**  He lied, trying to assure the other. Taekwoon hugged back.  **"Fine but still, I am talking to the manager about you taking a rest for two days."** he answered still not beliving Hakyeon.

 

They hugged for a while until Hakyeon pulled away first. **"Wonnie we should go back now."** He said as he backed away from the younger.  **"Okay come on."** Taekwoon smiled a little as he walked out of the bathroom.  **"Wait, can you see that I have been crying?"** Hakyeon asked anxiously. _‘I don't want anyone else to see how I look like. I don't want to burnden them’_ he thought.

 

The raven-haired smiled at his friens.  **"Give me a beautiful smile."** Hakyeon complied and smiled at Taekwoon. _‘Why are you doing this to me? Making me fall for you over and over.’_ Hakyeon thought to himself. Taekwoon smiled and shook his head  **"Now let's get back."**

 

They walked back together. When they walked in, everyone in the studio looked at them worridly. ' _Stupid look at what you have done.'_ Hakyeon scolded himself whlie trying to smile at them, trying to act normal around everyone else.

 

After the voice practice was finished they started practicing their dance. It went better than the voice practice and recording, for Hakyeon. But he still made small mistakes and that drove him insane. He could see how he irritated the others were now. **"Hyung you are making many mistakes today. Please focus we will do it one last time"** Hyuk scolded. They did it one last time but he kept making mistakes. **"I will stay here to practice a little more. You can go home and rest."** Hakyeon told them.

 

Taekwoon looked at him not liking that idea but knew that he couldn't push the leader to much. He looked at the members seeing how irritated and exhusted they were.  **"Hakyeon are you sure you want to stay back and practice more?"** He asked worriedly. The members had already started getting ready to leave.  **"Are you sure you want to stay here alone? I can keep you company"**  He asked the brunette.

 

 **"Yeah, I need to practice more. And no you should follow them."** Hakyeon answered smiling as he watched the members leave one after the other. Taekwoon sighed as he knew how stubborn Hakyeon could become, he decide to not argue anymore since the older would have the next day off. When he was finllay alone he started to practice for hours, wanting to get every small move right. He ignored how exhusted he was, he neded to reach perfection. He danced until his legs couldn't keep up and he fell down from exhaustion. **"I need to practice more,"**  he told himself as he tried to get up. **"It's not perfect"**  But his muscles protested again't him, he couldn't move any more. He was angry, as much as he practised the outcome was only more mistakes.  **"Shit I can't even dance anymore. What's wrong with me?"** He was frustrated and desperate. The more he danced, the more mistakes he made and the more he felt depressed. He was exhausted but he couldn't go back and face his members when he wasn't perfect. He laid down on the floor trying to take a break. That was when the flashbacks of the nightmare hit him again. **"Why can't I just forget everything? Why can't I do something right?"** he asked himself as he laid on the floor crying out of  frustration until his body decided to shut off and he fell asleep.

 

At the dorm Taekwoon was talking to the members about their leader, **"Guys we need to make it easier for Hakyeon hyung."**  He started as he looked at them seeing the confusion on their faces **"Guys he is going through a hard time now. His self esteem is low and he is not confident. He needs our support so we don't lose him. I know you have been tiered today and you worked hard but I hope you wont be so hard on him."**  He said  **"Is that the reason he didn't eat that day?"** Hyuk said shocked staring to connect the dots.  **"Yes"** Taekwoon answered.  **"So please guys let's take it easy on him and give him some rest."**  He turned to the manager  **"He will take two days off and you will tell him have them please."**

 

The raven-haired boy started to get worried about Hakyeon, since the older hadn't come back home for hours, it was getting late. He decided to go back to the studio and get his friend back. When he arrived he found the older lying on the floor sleeping. The singer walked towards him, hearing him mumble something in his sleep that he couldn't understand.  **"What is he saying?"** he frowned as he sat beside him and notcing that the older male's breathing was getting faster. Taekwoon blinked and tried to wake his Hakyeon up.

Hakyeon woke up again shaking and sweating. Confused he looked seeing Taekwoon holding onto him, his eyes widened.  **"Why are you here? What happened?"** He asked. Taekwoon let out a sigh as he hugged his friend.  **"I was worried. You have been here practicing for too long. What were you doing all this time?"** He asked.  **"Dancing and then I think I fell asleep."** The brunette said still confused. Taekwoon looked at the older one **"This is the last time you are staying alone. Did you have another nightmare?"** He asked still looking into Hakyeon's chocolate brown eyes.

 

 **"Yeah I had"** Hakyeon couldn't lie. **"I don't like them"** He was still shaking. Taekwoon put an arm around his friend's shoulder, holding him in his embarace.  **"Want to talk about it?"** Taekwoon asked wanting Hakyeon to open up more.  **"No"** The leader answered.

 

  **"Fine"** Taekwoon sighed in defeat.  **"Should we go home?"**  Hakyeon was tiered not wanting to stay there anymore.  **"Yes, let's go"**  Taekwoon said getting up before he extended a hand to Hakyeon. The older reached for the hand. **"Thanks"** he said more as a whisper as he grabbed the hand and stood up.

 

When they opened the door to the dorm the lights where turned off and it was silent. **"I think they are asleep."** Hakyeon whispered as they walked to their room. Hakyeon took some clothes from the wardrobe and walked out of the room. He walked into the bathroom and started to brush his teeth. He looked at his reflection on the mirror seeing how red and swollen they were.  **"Shit my eyes."**  The brunette splashed water on his face to look fresher. After that he changed his clothes but when he was naked couldn't ignore his reflection. **"Not good! I have started to get fat"**  He said as he looked at his tummy. _'I don't like this, it needs to disappear'._  After a while, when he was done examining his body he walked out of the bathroom and entered their shared room.

 

Taekwoon was done changing when Hakyeon came back to the room he look at him and smiled before he laid on his bed. **"Want to sleep with me?"**  Taekwoon asked. Hakyeon stood there for a while not knowing what to do. ' _I can't sleep with him every night... but if I sleep alone in my bed I will have nightmares and I don't want that.'_ He thought but in the end he nodded his head and smiled.

 

Taekwoon smiled wide as he saw Hakyeon approaching his bed. He pulled the covers up welcoming the the older beside him.  **"Come here"** he smiled happily. Hakyeon cuddled his friend under the warm covers. _'His smell is so soothing'_ he thought as he pressed closer to Taekwoon before he quickly drifted to sleep, feeling safe and protected.

 

Taekwoon looked at Hakyeon noticing that the older had fallen asleep.  _'I don't know when I will confess. It is getting unbearable.'_ He let out a sigh as wrapped his arms protectively around Hakyeon's small body.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning!! There will be suicide attempt and suicidal thought. If you feel triggered by this warning, please skip this chapter.
> 
>  
> 
> Either way I hope you enjoy this chapter ^^ 

The first thing Hakyeon did when he woke up was looking at the clock, it showed 11 am. **"Shit I'm late."** He stood up fast panicking but the dizziness hit him this morning as well. He tried to sit and calm himself for a moment. When he felt better he walked out in the dorm. _'No one is home!'_ He continued to walk to the kitchen when he saw a notice on the fridge. _'By the time you wake up we will be practicing. Hyung you should rest home today. We will be back before you know it.'_ He read the notice which made him restless _‘I don't need to rest, what I need right now is to practice.’_ He thought as he sat down in the living room. Sitting there and not doing anything made him get back to all the bad and dark thoughts and ideas.

 

It has been four hours since the leader woke up and he hasn't done anything but sitting in the living room thinking, and feeling lonely. _‘Did they let me rest on purpose so I wouldn't disturb their practice? I think I have really destroyed everything. But what should I do, nothing gets right anymore. The song and the dance practice didn't. And I'm failing, as a leader and the members hates me. The person I like for sure doesn't like me, but is just feeling sympathy because I'm disgustingly broken and I don't want him to feel sorry for me. The only thing I bring to the people around me is burden. I’m a burden, I have always been it; to my parents, may past friends and now my members. I'm not even bringing anyone happiness. Do I even need to be here or even live anymore? Why am I crying, I shouldn't cry. Even the fans don't like me anymore. Nobody would cry for me, and I shouldn't either. What should I do? I don't want to live like this anymore. I’m not worth this life; my father made it clear for me when I told them about my sexuality. They hurt me and shut me out from their life and never talked to me again. My friends hated me and bullied me. I don't see any difference anymore, soon my band mates will hate me, if they haven't already. I don't want them to. I don't want them to know and hate me. I know right now they hate me enough because I can't do anything right. This life should have been for someone better than me’_. 

 

Hakyeon walked into the bathroom, he found the razors that he usually hid in the cabinet. He grabbed the object with shaking hands. _‘I should do this. I should end this for me and for everyone’_. His cheeks were getting stained with tears and his throat hurt after all the sobbing. He was scared but the reason was stronger than his fear. _‘I don't want this any more. I don't want more nightmares reminding me of my past. I don't want the members to hate me more not even the fans. I should just take my life and help them get rid of me. It's getting too much and I can't take it anymore it’s getting too heavy on me’_. 

 

The razor made a deep and long cut on his bronze skin. He wasn't satisfied with just one cut as he began to make more. The he changed to the other wrist as he felt the need to make some more cuts there as well. The thing that left him at amaze was that he didn't feel any pain from the cut; the leader felt more like a calming feeling washing over him, maybe even feeling dull. He liked it, he made more cuts on each wrist. When he felt satisfied with the masterwork he made the leader waited till he blacked out. _‘Till they come home then I will be gone. Did I say home? What a nice word. Have I ever felt that I have been in a home? I don't know but it doesn't matter anymore. I feel happy.’_

 

It had been hours since the members had left the dorm. _‘_ _Is he ok, is he eating? I am dying to call and ask him, but I know he needs his space for now just 15 minutes and I will take the kids back to the dorm_ _’_ Taekwoon was feeling uneasy, he sigh as he tried to continue his vocal lesson. He was having a bad feeling, as if something bad had happened. _‘_ _I am just too worried about him._ _’_ The singer shook his head _‘_ _I shouldn't have left him alone!_ _’_ He let out another sigh as he realized that his lesson was over. He walked too see the other members, he saw Hongbin, Ken and Ravi done with their practices. 

 

**"Where's Hyuk"** the singer asked. **"He is in the piano lesson he will be out any moment soon."** Ravi said as he was getting ready to leave. **"Did any of you called Hakyeon?"** The singer asked hoping that any of them did. **"No, you said not to hyung"** Ken said confused. **"Is there anything wrong?"** The cute main vocal asked. **"No, well I don't think so... I'm just worried."** Taekwoon explained. Not long after Hyuk finished his piano lesson and was ready to leave with them. **"I am done."** Hyuk smiled. 

 

Soon they were sitting in the van heading back to the dorm. Taekwoon walked fast towards the dorm, as soon as they had arrived. He opened the door and took of his shoes as he started calling for his leader. **"Hakyeon!"** But he got no response. The singer started to started shake slightly as the bad feeling was back. _‘_ _Maybe he is asleep._ _’_ The singer went towards their room but he saw no one there, the members got to the dorm after him. As he walked through the hall he noticed the lights from the bathroom were on. He rushed towards it. **"HAKYEON"** He screamed the moment he opened the door and saw the leader laying there in a pool of blood. Hearing their Hyung screaming made the others run to the bathroom. 

 

Taekwoon had frozen in the doorway too shocked to even function. The rapper was able to push the older away seeing the scene infront of him. He froze for a second before he shook his head knowing better than to become like Taekwoon. Wonshik rushed in and carried the leader rushing out of the dorm towards the van, that the manager was about to lock. The rest of the VIXX members rushed out after the rapper and climbed into the van while Wonshik told his manager to drive towards the hospital. 

 

The nurses and a doctor took Hakyeon into the emergency room. None in the band was able to hold their tears anymore. Taekwoon was resting his head against Jaehwan's shoulder crying his heart out, while Hyuk and Hongbin were hugging themselves and resting their back against the wall. Ravi came and sat on the floor beside the singer, trying to hold himself together but failed. Taekwoon hugged him tightly as the rapper started crying. The manager looked at them in worry. **"G-guys please calm down. We need to be strong for Hakyeon when he wakes up."** He said with a slight shake in his voice. The singer pulled away from Ravi as he got up and wept his tears. **"He is right guys. Hakyeon is not dead and when he wakes up we need to be strong for him."** The singer said looking at them hoping that they would calm down a little bit.

 

 

***

 

 

The first thing Hakyeon saw when he woke up was the white ceiling. _‘_ _Am I dead? Where am I?’_ He questioned himself, but when his ears started to accustom, he heard a beep. He looked around and realized that he was in a hospital. _‘_ _What am I doing here? I should be dead! I don't want this’_ The brunette tried to get up and stand on his shaky legs, but they gave up and he fell down. He had lost a lot of blood, which made his body weak. The leader looked at his arms and saw the IV needle connected to his arm. He pulled them out, _‘I need to get out but my legs aren't helping. I need to get out before anyone sees me’_. Hakyeon started to panic because his plan was that he should be dead by now, not in a hospital.

The members were standing outside the room waiting for the permission to get in. None of them had the desire to talk. When they saw the nurse and a doctor rushing to Hakyeon's room they all stood up quickly and tried to follow. **"What is happening?"** Ken asked in a panicked voice, thinking that he was loosing his leader. Taekwoon was panicking, he was afraid that they had lost Hakyeon. **"Please God please don't take him not yet."** He prayed for himself as tears streamed down his pale cheeks. After 10 minutes the doctor came out and walked up to them. **"Your friend tried to escape. We arrived just in the right time to stop him and give him anaesthetic."** They didn't ask any further questions because they knew they wouldn't be answered, to the reason of protecting Hakyeon's privacy. **"Please doctor can I see him now?"** The raven-haired male asked. **"OK but don't disturb him, all of you can get in. But please let him sleep."** He heard the members sighing in relief. The raven-haired boy rushed into the room, the members following after. He sat down by the bed looking at Hakyeon's sleeping figure. **"Stupid Yeonnie stupid!"** The singer whispered as he held the sleeping boy's hand.

When Hakyeon woke up for the second time, the room was dark and he realized it was night time by then. He looked around and saw Taekwoon's head lying on the bed beside his and. Hakyeon looked at the singer taking the sight of him sleeping peacefully. **"Why are you here to see me?"** The leader whispered. When he looked up again he saw all the members with him in the same room sleeping, some on the couch and others on the chairs. _'Why are of you here?'_ The tears started streaming down the leaders face.

The raven-haired boy woke up when he felt the elder moving and looked at him in surprise. **"You are awake!"** He whispered carefully, not wanting to wake the others up. He sat up and cupped Hakyeons's cheeks when he saw the leader crying, whiping the delicate tears with his thimb. **"Why are you crying? Are you in pain? Does it hurt somewhere?"** He looked at the broken boy holding back his own tears.

 

**"Why are all of you here?"** The leader asked trying to hold back his sobs. **"Because you are stupid, and we love you."** The main vocal said touching Hakyeon's cheeks. **"Because I didn't want to lose you, because I'm afraid."**

 

Hearing those words made Hakyeon sob harder. He tried to hold it down because he was afraid that the members would wake up. **"B-but, you should have found me when it was too late."** The leader started to panic as he saw Hongbin wake up **"I- I should be dead."**

 

**"You should shut up now!"** Taekwoon decided to get strict on the older male to make him understand, because it seemed like everything else didn't work on him. **"You can't be dead, you are not alone we can't live a day without you. We were so worried when we thought we lost you, and here you are being selfish!"** Taekwoon had a hard time holding back his tears. 

 

**"Hyung not like this."** Hongbin tried to calm the main vocal down. **"No he needs to understand."** Taekwoon protested while looking at the older boy. **"You think it would be easier for us if you weren't here! Well no it would be harder. How many times do I need to tell you that without you we would be nothing? How could you do that to us? Hakyeon to me how could you?"** The singer broke down as kneeled down on the floor crying. 

 

Hakyeon was too shocked to even be able to react any more. Taekwoon's cries triggered something in him. _‘_ _What have I done? No, he hates me right now. He hates me.’_ That was the only thing that played in his head, but the tears never stopped. Taekwoon was still crying not noticing anything, not even that the members had woken up and surrounded them. **"Hyung stop crying, everyone is asleep and soon the nurse will come"** Ravi tried helplessly. **"I'm sorry, I'm sorry"** Hakyeon started to rattle off. He couldn't think or hear anything anymore. Everything started to fall apart in front of him. _‘It would be good without me. Wouldn't it? Why is he angry? He hates me now! He hates me.’_

 

The singer collected himself together while looking at the leader. Because the darkness Taekwoon didn’t see the distant look in the leader's eyes. **"Please Hakyeon, please never leave me again. Please I beg you don't"**

Hakyeon stared at the singer, eyes filled with tears. He still couldn't understand what was happening. **"I'm sorry"** was the only word that was able to leave the leader's mouth. His mind was totally blank. He looked at the members with empty eyes. Taekwoon looked up at the leader still kneeling on the floor. **"Yeonnie do you understand what am I'm saying. Yeonnie I need you beside me. Never leave me. I will die without you!"**

_‘What is he saying I don't understand why he is so sad. If I die they should be happy. I mean I'm a burden to them.’_ There was too much thought in his head at the moment. He couldn't even concentrate on Taekwoon's words. **"Wonnie get up."** The leader tried to tell the singer, with a shaking voice. He was feeling weak, he was on the verge of crumbling down. It was getting too much for the leader his mind couldn't take it anymore.

Taekwoon shook his head. **"Hakyeon you can't leave. You can't be selfish!"** The singer insisted as he looked up at Hakyeon, seeing how weak he looked. He looked after Ravi asking him to hold Hakyeon without the older noticing. **"Hyung what he is saying is that we will lose the will to live, the day you leave us in this way. We will never make it without our leader, which is you!"** Ravi said trying to help his hyung who was still on his knees, and sobbing softly. 

**"Why are you like this?"** The leader cried out. _‘They weren't supposed to feel like this.’_ A wave of sadness and anger hit him, making him sob loudly. Everything that was built in his head was crumbling in front of him. It was much to take, and that made him feel suffocated. **"We need you hyung, get this inside your head. We can't be without you."** Hyuk said as he was sobbing as well, scared to loose the man that had protected him for so long. No one of them could understand why their hyung was acting like that. **"Hyung you are our everything. We need you. Don't leave us please."** Hongbin pleaded.

Taekwoon was looking at the pale male with tears streaming down my face. He saw him crying, he knew that the leader hated to look so broken. But everyone here needed to know, to be able to help him. He noticed the distant and dull look in the leader's eyes. ‘S _hit we will lose him.’_ Leo panicked **"Yeonnie answer us, talk to us!"** He said as he reached for the leader's hand.

Hakyeon was too gone to even be able to form any word anymore. It was too much to take in. The more he tried the more his mind rejected it. It was as if his mind was installed and if any new information got in it would gave an _“Error”_. The only thing he could do was cry. He needed someone to hold me tight because he was falling now. Ravi's hold got tighter around the leader. The singer was still on the floor not having the strength to get up. He looked at the leader who seemed to be exhausted. Taekwoon leaned towards Hyuk and who helped him up. **"I'm sorry..."** Was the only word that came out of Hakyeon's mouth before everything went black.

Ravi panicked and tried to shake the leader, Jaehwan ran out to find a doctor or a nurse. The doctor came and checked on Hakyeon, with two nurses. After checking on Hakyeon the doctor asked about what happened. When they expalined what had happened, the doctor informed them that everything would be okay soon but had to be more careful. The doctor sighed as he told them that they all looked exhausted and that it would be better for them to go back to the dorm and rest. But the members refused to leave their leader, Hyuk pulled Taekwoon to the couch holding him as he fell asleep from exhaustion.

***

When Hakyeon woke up again he knew that he was still in the hospital. The white walls were sign for it. He looked around seeing Wonshik and Jaehwan cuddled up on armchair. His eyes travelled around more until they fell on Hyuk, Taekwoon, Hongbin bundled together on the couch. _‘Was I dreaming or was everything that happened last night true?’_ Hakyeon couldn't believe what happened. _‘They were so sad, was it really because of me?’_ Hakyeon laid back on the pillow looking up at the ceiling, then he averted his eyes to look at the main vocal. He was lying there for a long time inspecting and taking in, everything in this room. He saw the IV and the blood sack that was connected to his arm, which he disliked. He saw the sleeping boys (his members) and _his_ beautiful Taekwoon. The main vocal looked tired, cuddle up in Hongbin while he had Hyuk wrapping an arm around both of them. _'My? Why did I think that he is mine? It's clear that he isn't mine and I don't think he will ever be it either'_.  The leader looked up at the wall again and decided to try to sleep more.

Taekwoon woke up later, he looked around as he felt sore from how bundled up they were. He moved Hyuk slowly and made him cuddle against Hongbin only. The singer got up and stretched his body. He started walking towards the bed when he saw the sleeping boy. A sad smile made it's way to his lips. He saw Hakyeon sleeping peacefully as he sat at the side of the bed, where he found enough space. He sat there so he could be able to watch the sleeping boy and tracing his soft features

 

Hakyeon woke up when he felt something tickling his face. His eyes flutter open meeting Taekwoon's dark and captive eyes. **"Taekwoon-ah~"** He called with my raspy voice. Taekwoon smiled softly **"Hey Yeonnie."** He whispered not wanting to wake the others up. The leader looked at the main singer, the beautiful sight in front of him mesmerizing. The sun was shining through the window and the light was reflecting on the singer’s fair skin. Taekwoon smile as he put an arm around the leader helping him to sit up. **"Are you feeling better?"**

 

**"I think so,"** The leader hesitated, but decided to hug the singer, wanting to feel the protective arms around him. The singer smiled as he kissed the leader on the forehead.

At that sweet moment the doctor decided to interrupt to check on Hakyeon. **"I see that you are looking better than yesterday."** The smiled as he looked at the leader. **"But I'm afraid that we need to talk in private Mr. Cha."**

Taekwoon look at Hakyeon then at the doctor, he didn't want to leave their leader alone. **"Can I stay here with him?"** The singer asked. **"It would be best if it was just me and Mr Cha but, if Mr Cha wants you to stay here it's okay, but we need to ask your friends to leave"** The doctor informed. The singer nodded in understanding before he tried wake the member up. **"Guys the doctor needs to talk to Hakyeon and me, please wait outside."** He asked his friends to leave for now. They nod hesitantly before they are able to leave thr room.

**"Wonnie~"** Hakyeon called for Taekwoon sit by him. He didn't like being left alone with the doctor. Taekwoon came back quickly and sat beside the leader, holding his hand tightly while looking at the doctor.

When the doctor saw the boys leave the room, he looked up at Hakyeon. **"Mr Cha, I tried to contact your parents but I couldn't find any number."** He started, looking at Hakyeon in concern while waiting for an answer, but he got none. Which made him continued **"I see that you have been attempting suicide."** He looked at the two boys who sat quietly in front of him, wating fo him to continue. **"When your friends brought you here, you had lost a lot of blood. We even thought you wouldn't make it. I will not get into the details with you about why you did it. But Mr Cha I will need you to make an appointment with a psychologist. It will help you to get through your problems easier."** The doctor suggested. 

 

Hakyeon was uncomfortable with the psychologist idea. _'Do I really need a psychologist?'_ He looked up at the his lifelong frined to see what he thought. **"The psychologist will help you with the problems you had in the past and present. I suspect that you have been suffering from depression, that's why I offer you to see a psychologist."** The doctor continued, wanting to help Hakyeon to get better, and start to like life again.

 

_‘I need to try. I don’t like this idea but I can try.’_ Hakyeon nodded. **"I think I will try. But I don't know any psychologist that is good enough, and that I can trust."** The doctor smiled at his patient. **"Don't worry my colleague will help you, he is a psychologist. I can make an appointment with him for you if you want."** He informed and Hakyeon nodded. **"Yes, I think it will be good. But please give me some time to think about it, I'm still uncomfortable."** Hakyeon answered. When Taekwoon heard the news he smiled wide as he looked at the leader. The main vocal was happy to hear his friend accepting the offer of a psychologist helping. **"And at the dorm, we will help him as much as we are able to."** Taekwoon smiled, ready to do anything that would help Hakyeon to live longer. He looked at the doctor while squeezing Hakyeon's smaller hand. **"That would be great if you help him at home as well!"** The doctor told them. When he was done with the last check up he left the room. 

 

Taekwoon look at the leader and smiled squeezing his hand. Hakyeon looked at the singer and smiled **"I can introduce you to a psychologist I know and trust."** The main vocal offered as he looked at his leader. **"Okay, but the doctor will make an appointment with his colleague. What should we do?"** The leader looked at his friend worriedly. **"And how came you know a psychologist?"** He asked the singer confused, looking at him trying to find an answer.

 

Taekwoon looked at the leader and smiled. **"I know her through a friend."** He lied, not wanting Hakyeon to discover about his past yet. **"Okay"** Hakyeon looked at the singer, smiling. **"Wonnie I don't want to stay here anymore."** He couldn't be in a hospital any longer. **"We will talk to the doctor nd ask him to let you leave."**

 

When everthing was okay and Hakyeon was allowed to leave a nurse came in together with the boys. She took out the IV and the blood needles that were connected to his arm. She informed them that he was able leave whenever he liked to.

 

Taekwoon looked at the leader then at the boys. **"Should we go home?"** He asked Hakyeon. The leader nodded and stood up from the bed immediately wanting to change his cloths, but got hit with dizziness. Taekwoon wrapped an arm around Hakyeon's slim waist, immediately, trying to hold him up. **"Come on, lean on me."** The main vocal said as he led them to the bathroom.

 

Ken walked to the wardrobe and took the new clean and comfortable clothes that they had put there for their leader. Hakyeon and Taekwoon walked into the bathroom, the main vocal helped his leader to change his clothes from the hospital gown. Taekwoon stood in front of him helping him to take of the gown slowly. Hakyeon felt embarrassed, the thought of Taekwoon seeing how fat he had gotten overwhelmed him, making him think that he would feel disgusted. But the truth was that Hakyeon was too thin. Hakyeon tried to hide his body behind his arms. The singer looked at his leader in shock. **"Hakyeon are you eating properly?"** Taekwoon turned the leader around a bit to look at him properly. **"Hakyeon you are too thin what the hell. I can see your bones!"** Hakyeon looked away not daring to look the younger in the eyes. 

 

**"Y-yeah b-but I do"** Hakyeon lied as he grabbed the shirt and pulled it quickly from the Taekwoon's hands. He put it on quickly to hide his flaws. Taekwoon was still staring at the older in concern. **"Yeonnie be honest with me!"** He looked at his leader with gentle eyes. He knew the truth and he knew it happened because of the depression, but he didn't want to lose the older. The leader looked down not daring to answer, but in the end he nodded. **"Please don't hate me."** He looked up at the younger and tried to smile, hiding his pain. **"It wasn't much. I will get better."** He talked fast and was trying to grab his pant from Taekwoon hands. The singer held the pants tight, not letting go. **"Promise me you will not anymore Yeonnie."** He begged. Hakyeon looked up at the younger again. **"I will try to..."** He said and tried to take his pants again, which he succeeded this time. Taekwoon sighed as watched the older acting to be okay and get better.

When they were finished Taekwoon helped the leader out of the bathroom. On their way out from the room a nurse came up to them. **"Sir I'm sorry but you can't take this way out, there are too many fans and journalists out side. Please follow me I will show you another way out"** They nodded, thankful for the help. The members followed the nurse as she took the opposite way out from the main entrance. In the end they came out on the backside of the hospital.

The van was standing outside the hospital with the manager behind the steering wheel waiting for them. All of them got into the van. Hakyeon was first one to get in and after he was Taekwoon. The others followed them in and sat in the van. Hakyeon sat at the back of the van with Taekwoon beside him. In front of them sat Ravi, Hyuk and Hongbin. On the passenger sat Ken, having the managder beside him to drive. Taekwoon turned to look at his leader and smiled warmly before he grabbed his hand squeezing it tightly. The leader was too tired from the events of these few days. He knew the trip would take some time so he rested his head on the Taekwoon's shoulder. The main vocal put an arm around the older one and smiled as he played with his hair along the way. When they arrived Taekwoon didn't want to disturb the sleeping male. He waited for the younger ones to get out before he carried the leader inside the dorm.

Hakyeon woke up in his room this time. He looked around but it was dark, making it hard for him to see the clock on the wall. He searched for his phone to check the clock instead, showing him that it was 5 pm. He got up and walked out of the room. The leader could hear some voices from the kitchen so he followed the voices. **"What are you guys doing?"** The leader looked at Taekwoon, Hongbin and Ken

All of them had skipped lunch this day, so Taekwoon had asked Hongbin and Ken to help him with diner. As they were cooking the main vocal saw Hakyeon coming out from their shared room, walking towards the kitchen. **"Oh, we are making lunch. Wait for a bit and it will be ready soon."** Taekwoon smiled at his leader. **"Okay."** Hakyeon answered as he walked to the living room where Ravi and Hyuk were sitting. Ravi made space for his leader, which made Hakyeon to choose to sit beside the rapper. Ravi put his arm around Hakyeon, pulling him closer. **"How are you feeling now."** He asked. Hakyeon nodded trying to smile. **"Fine."**

**"Guys come and eat."** Taekwoon called as he walked into the living room, seeing Ravi's arm wrapped around Hakyeon's shoulder. Taekwoon stared at them for a moment before he averted his eyes away. The singer walked back to the kitchen and sat at the table. _'I know I should give up on my feelings. He seems so happy with Ravi every time I see them together. Ugh I don't know.'_ He thought as he glared at the table.

 

Hakyeon sat down beside the man that he like. He didn't feel hungry but the leader knew, if he didn't eat Taekwoon would get angry at him and would start to lecture him about how important food is. The singer looked first at the boy sitting beside him before he looked at the members. He started to scoop food for everyone one. **"Eat well all."** The singer smiles before he started to it from his own bowl.

 

The leader started to eat until he started to feel full. He looked up and saw the singer looking at him with an unsatisfied look. Hakyeon looked back at Taekwoon with pleading eyes trying to tell the singer that he was full. Taekwoon shook his head as he raised his eyebrows making it clear that Hakyeon needed to finish what he had in his plate before turning to his own food.

 

_‘I'm really full, why doesn't he believe me. If I eat more I will throw up for sure.’_ The leader thought as he played with his food. _‘I guess we have been sitting for a quite long time.’_ Taekwoon thought as he saw Hyuk and Hongbin leaving the table. Ravi and Ken followed soon after the younger ones, after thanking for the food. Taekwoon sighed as he look at Hakyeon's almost full plate. The main vocal stood up and started to clean the table without saying a word.

 

**"Wonnie I'm full, I can't eat any more."** Hakyeon whined after seeing the singer dissatisfied face. **"You didn't even try!"** Taekwoon said as he continued cleaning, not sparing the older a look. Hakyeon looked down at his food and frowned. _'Did someone put more food on my plate?'_ He thought not realizing at first how much food he actually had left. Hakyeon looked back at Taekwoon before he tried to put some food inside his mouth.

 

The singer saw how the leader was forcing himself and sighed, konwing that it would upset Hakyeon's stomach. **"Don't force yourself"** He said as he took the plate to the sink. Hakyeon got up and started to help the his crush. When he saw that Taekwoon had begun washing the dishes, Hakyeon stood behind the taller male and hugged him from behind. **"Wonnie please don't be upset with me."** The leader begged as he pressed his face against Taekwoon's muscular back. When Hakyeon didn't get any response he continued. **"I'm trying, but it's hard. Don't worry it will get better."** He tried again hoping that Taekwoon would calm down. The leader noticed how much stress he was putting on the Taekwoon. **"I know it will be hard at first. But please Hakyeon-ah, push yourself a little bit and everything will work."** Taekwoon answered softly. The leader nodded and stayed there for awhile, still hugging Taekwoon. _‘It feels so nice to hug you. I don't want to let go but I know I can't hug you forever.’_ Taekwoon turned around to wrap his arms round Hakyeon's small frame, hugging him tightly. _‘I really wish you could love me the same way I love you.’_ The younger wished.

 

 

 

Meanwhile in the living room:

 

**"Hyung do you think that Hakyeon hyung will get better?"** Hyuk asked his older friend. **"I hope so Hyukie. But don't worry, Hakyeon hyung is strong."** Jaehwan smiled at his favorite maknae. **"Hyung I think there is something between Hakyeon hyung and Leo Hyung."** Hongbin said looking at his friends.

The boys in the living room looked at Hongbin, when something clicked in their minds. They all looked at the direction of the kitchen as they got up and started to sneak on their hyungs. All of them saw the scene where Hakyeon and Taekwoon were hugging like a lovely couple. **"Should we bet on something?"** Ravi asked with a smirk on his face, before he started to walk back to the couch. The others looked interested at Wonshik, before they followed him back. **"Yes, but first of all who thinks they are dating in secret?"** Hyuk asked as he raised his hand with Jaehwan. **"So you two believe that they are not dating?"** The cute main vocal asked. **"Yes, but I think they will."** The rapper smirked. **"Then should we bet on when they will tell us they are dating?"** Hongbin asked excited. **"Yeah I think they will tell us in two weeks from now,** **"** Ken smiled. **"I bet that they will tell us in the end of this month"** Ravi and Hongbin said.  **"Two months from now"** Hyuk bet on.

 

 

In the kitchen: 

 

**"Hakyeon-ah I need to finish the dishes."** Taekwoon broke away from the warm hug as he turned around slowly. He felt his heart starting to beat faster than usual and he was afraid that Hakyeon would be able to hear it. **"Oh sorry"** Hakyeon let go immediately feeling embarrassed. **"I'm tired. I guess I will go back to bed"** The leader informed before he left the kitchen.

 

Taekwoon let out a sigh as he leaned against the sink. _'It is so hard when I have all these feelings.'_ The main vocal thought as he continuined washing the dishes.

 

Hakyeon walked fast into their room and closed the door behind him. The leader rested his back on the door. His legs gave up and he slide down the door until his butt touched the cold floor. **"Shit my heart is beating like crazy. I hope he didn't notice anything."** Hakyeon said as he put his right hand on his chest where his heart was located.

 

When Taekwoon finished the dishes and calmed himself down before he walked to the living room. The boys unconsciously looked at him, since he was one of the main characters of their subject. **"What?"** He asked a bit flustered at the attention he got. **"Nothing hyung."** Wonshik smirked as they turned their heads too the TV instead. **"You guys are creepy"** The singer huffed as he slumped beside Ravi leaning against him.

 

Hakyeon got under the covers after he finished brushing his teeth and changing clothes. But he couldn't sleep. There were so many things that floated in his head. Things like what happened today, about Taekwoon, about his suicide attempt and about the psychologist. It was just too many things that he ended up being awake for 3 hours. As the clock ran, the dark thought began to increase.

When Taekwoon noticed that the movie had ended he sat up and stretch. **"let's go to bed guys!"** The main vocal called as he walked towards the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he finished he walked toward their shared room, opening the door and realizing that Hakyeon was still awake **"Yeonnie"**

The leader was startled when he heard Taekwoon's soft voice call for him. **"Y-yeah."** He answered as he looked at the handsome man. **"I thought you would be asleep by now."** Taekwoon forwned as looked at Hakyeon before he started to take his shirt off and sit down on the bed, facing Hakyeon.

 

**"I thought that t..."** Hakyeon started but got distracted by Taekwoon's toned torso. Taekwoon looked at Hakyeon with a frown. **"Though that what?"** He asked confused. Hakyeon could feel cheeks starting to get heat up. _'He is so hot. Why did he take of his shirt now?'_ **"Uh I thought I would fall asleep right away as well... But I couldn't"** He said looking everywhere but at the younger. 

 

Taekwoon stood up and walked to Hakyeon's bed, sitting on the edge. **"Hakyeon are you okay?"** He asked worriedly as he looked at the leader. **"Y-yeah l-I'm f-fine"** The older stuttered. _‘Shit! Please don't come to near, if you do I think my heart will give up on me.’_ Hakyeon saw that the main vocal tried to caress his cheek. Hakyeon moved away immediately **"I'm fine I just have some problems with sleep."** The leader answered quickly. It was getting too hot for him. _'Not good I need to do something.'_ Hakyeon pushed the blanket away, **"It's really is hot right?"** He asked as he fanned his face, using his hand. _‘I need to get out.’_ Hakyeon got up really fast, but felt dizzy instantly.

 

Taekwoon looked at Hakyeon in confusion. **"Hakyeon-ah you are lying. What's wrong?"** He asked in a stern voice. **"No-nothing."** Hakyeon couldn't look at the younger, not when he was shirtless. Taekwoon rested his his hand on the Hakyeo's cheek. **"Hakyeon-ah you are burning up."** He frowned as he looked at his leader. **"Yah are you okay? Do you feel sick"** Taekwoon asked in a concern.

 

**"T-Taekwoon..."** Hakyeon couldn't form any word anymore, as his mind went blank. Hakyeon couldn't resist looking at Taekwoon's torso. Taekwoon looked at his leader as he heard him call for him. The msin vocal saw that Hakyeon wasn't looking at his face but at his torso, which made him look down as well. _‘Oh is he flustered because I am shirtless’_.

 

Hakyeon looked up **"Taekwoon-ah .. I .."** He wanted to talk, to say something but he couldn't form any word. Taekwoon looked at his leader, breathed heavily. _'He is so beautiful. Oh my god calm down heart calm down!'_

 

Hakyeon looked the main vocal in the eyes as he felt his face get closer. **"Ican't help myself I am sorry Hakyeon-ah"** Taekwoon closed the gap between them and kiss Hakyeon's plump lips. When Hakyeon felt their lips meet, his heart flutter and the butterflies in Hakyeon's abdomen couldn't keep calm. The leader responded to the kiss happily. 

 

The kiss wasn't sexy or hasty; it was more slow and passionate. Taekwoon smiled as he felt the man he love kiss him back. He put a hand around Hakyeon's neck to hold him up and deepen the kiss. Hakyeon felt his lungs burn, as they needed oxygen, he pulled to breath and look at his crush. **"Taekwoon ah~"** He called as he looked up at the main vocal. _'What just happened? Did we just kiss?'_ Hakyeon's brain was became restless.

 

Taekwoon stared at the older not being able to function properly. He started looking around when his actions downed on him. _‘Oh my I fucked up!’_ Taekwoon sat up immediately. **"I am sorry Hakyeon, I am sorry!"** He started to rattle up. **"No wait Taekwoon-ah!"** Hakyeon became scared when he heard Taekwoon apologize. _'Shit don't tell me he doesn't like me.'_ He thought as a lump built in his throat. _'Please don't tell me it was just a mistake.'_ The anxiety the leader felt before was back again. His eyes started to fill up with tears. _'Why did I kiss him back? I already knew that he didn't like me.'_

 

Taekwoon looked at Hakyeon with wide eyes. _‘He is crying because of me, I’m such an idiot. Look at what I have done!’_ The main vocal sat down beside Hakyeon again. **"Yeonnie I am sorry, I shouldn't have done that."** The singer looked at his leader with pleading eyes, hoping that Hakyeon would forgive him. _‘I shouldn't have let my feelings out.’_

 

**"T-Taekwoon please tell this wasn't a mistake."** Hakyeon begged as he looked up at the younger as tears rolled down his cheeks. **"Please don't break my heart. I like you."** He whispered as he looked down. 

 

Taekwoons eyes widen at the word coming out from Hakyeon's mouth. **"Are you serious Hakyeon-ah?"** Taekwoon felt his heart beating fast. _'I hope this is not a joke. But he said to not break his heart'_ The main vocal was happy. **"Y-yeah it's true"** Hakyeon confessed. 

 

**"Oh my"** Taekwoon cupped Hakyeon's cheeks **"Hakyeon-ah I like you too, and I will never break your heart."** He smiled as he wiped away the tears, from the cute cheeks. _‘Wait did I hear right? Did he say he likes me?_ _’_ Hakyeon looked up at his crush shocked. **"Y-you like m-me?"** He asked, still not believing what he just heard. Taekwoon smiled wide at the older **"Yes I wanted to tell you since a long time ago but, I was afraid you wouldn't like me back"** Taekwoon confessed. 

 

**"I thought you didn't like me. I thought you liked Hongbin-ah."** Hakyeon said trying to melt the new information down. Taekwoon blinked at what the older said _‘Hongbin l have never liked him like this. He is just my dongsaeng.’_ **"Hongbin, he is just a close dongsaeng."** Taekwoon explained smiling. **"It has always been you since the beginning Hakyeon-ah"**

 

When Hakyeon heard these word leave Taekwoon's mouth, he hugged him fast and hard. He still couldn't believe what was happening. This felt like a dream to him.Taekwoon let out a sigh as he hugged the older back tightly. **"Finally."** He whispered. Taekwoon started to fix their position so they could lie down and cuddle till they fell asleep. The leader cuddled closer to the singer and inhailed in his delicious scent.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked this chapter. 
> 
> Please leave a comment and let me know what you think of this story. ^^


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